When Adelyn was first born, I knew for a fact that I did not want to leave the blogging community. I had all intentions of turning this in to a mommy blog w/the hopes of updating on all her milestones & how my life had changed since she arrived. Sadly, I found myself struggling to write about all of the joyful moments as I got stuck in a dark place for a bit. I don't know so much if what I dealt with was your typical PPD or if it was more along the lines of my type A personality & my anxiety clashing. What I do know is that it took me a little while to focus on what my problems were & how to deal with them. However, once I did this I felt "fake" just jumping in & writing about our daily lives & just kept putting it off. So I have decided to man up & call myself out!
The first 3 months of Adelyn's life were literally blissful. I know that this time frame is often the most difficult for new mom's, but for me everything just seemed to go so smoothly & fall into place. Adelyn was an unbelievably good sleeper & slept through the night for the first time @ 4 weeks. She probably would have sooner, but I was setting the alarm to feed her every 3 hours out of fear of losing my milk supply. It wasn't until my Dr gave me the go ahead to see if she could make it all the way through & that first night I tried, she did! It wasn't always consistent but @ 8 weeks it became so. I am sad to say though, that I remember very little of that time also. Of course we dealt w/the witching hour & learning everything but I got passed them & survived. I went with the flow & didn't give too much thought to how long she was awake or what time I put her down. She always made it clear when she was tired so I didn't struggle too much with daytime naps either. As you may remember we learned of her dairy allergy @ 3 weeks but even then she was still her pleasant happy self & it did not affect her sleep.
Around 4 months old things changed & the food issues became more serious & Adelyn was obviously in a lot of pain. We luckily figured out how to manage this pain (by making mommy starve) & this was short lived. During this time she also stopped sleeping through the night, waking up a number of times & her naps which were once 1.5-2 hrs were only 45 minutes. When this started happening it was so difficult for me to figure out. I was sure I had done something wrong & I hopped on the computer to see what I could learn. When I did this I found a thread where other Babywise mom's discussed their issues & helped each other out. I thought this was great! I posted our problems & got about 20 different solutions. I spent weeks trying each one & just getting more & more detached from being Adelyn's mommy & more obsessed w/fitting this idea that my baby should be awake for so long & asleep for so long. I can sit here & blame the Babywise concept or even the other ladies who gave suggestions, but the truth is, it was my fault. I kept reading how "perfect" all these other babies were & I wanted so badly for Adelyn to fit that mold. From about 4.5 to 7 months I was terribly miserable. Every now & then Adelyn would have a good day of napping or sleeping through & I was sure things would get better, but than the very next day we were back to chaos. I kept listening to strangers & ignoring my mommy instinct. I think that there are a number of different & great parenting techniques out there for so many different personalities, but I made BW my end all. The women on the thread I found, all though well intentioned had literally made it their religion. They lived & breathed this stuff. I read so many posts of other mom's sounding as desperate as I was & calling themselves failures. God had blessed us with babies He knows we are capable of raising! Who are we do doubt Him!?
Sadly, it took me almost 4 months to realize all of this & during that time I had missed out on so much with my precious baby. I sit here with tears in my eyes as I think of it. I know that some of you use BW & I in no way mean to come across as it being a bad thing. It has done a lot of positive for us. I do not blame the technique; instead I blame myself. My personality did not allow me to take the important bits & pieces & fit them into my lifestyle & Adelyn's personality. Instead I tried to fit my lifestyle & Adelyn's personality into the parenting technique/concept. I don't doubt that hormones played a part in my struggle, but I know that they weren't the entire cause. This has taken me a while to come to terms with, but I am grateful I have. When Adelyn turned 7 months my MIL & SIL both encouraged me to just follow her lead. To stop looking @ the clock & what other babies did & just "hear" what my daughter was telling me. After only 1 week of doing this it was like the sun had finally started to shine again! She started napping like a champ & sleeping great at night! I stopped allowing some book or concept to raise her & I stopped doubting myself & comparing her to other babies & just starting enjoying her. I don't mean to say I flushed everything down the toilet because I didn't. I just did what I should have done from the beginning. I took the parts/ideas I agreed with or liked & used them to our benefit.
The truth is I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to be persuaded by (although well intentioned) strangers who knew nothing about my baby. I doubted myself so much, I thougth they could raise her better. My baby girl is perfect. She does not fit a mold or a "typical" schedule, but she does get the sleep she needs, structure and above all else love. She is my world & I am so sorry I let those months slip by & even willed them away at times. Now when things don't go according to plan (which is pretty often-she is a baby), I no longer cry & fear that my baby won't develop properly or spiral into a state of overtiredness, but instead roll with it & trust the instincts that the Lord has so perfectly blessed me with. Now I hope to be able to share with you more often what our happier & healthier lifestyle is like! God Bless.
The first 3 months of Adelyn's life were literally blissful. I know that this time frame is often the most difficult for new mom's, but for me everything just seemed to go so smoothly & fall into place. Adelyn was an unbelievably good sleeper & slept through the night for the first time @ 4 weeks. She probably would have sooner, but I was setting the alarm to feed her every 3 hours out of fear of losing my milk supply. It wasn't until my Dr gave me the go ahead to see if she could make it all the way through & that first night I tried, she did! It wasn't always consistent but @ 8 weeks it became so. I am sad to say though, that I remember very little of that time also. Of course we dealt w/the witching hour & learning everything but I got passed them & survived. I went with the flow & didn't give too much thought to how long she was awake or what time I put her down. She always made it clear when she was tired so I didn't struggle too much with daytime naps either. As you may remember we learned of her dairy allergy @ 3 weeks but even then she was still her pleasant happy self & it did not affect her sleep.
Around 4 months old things changed & the food issues became more serious & Adelyn was obviously in a lot of pain. We luckily figured out how to manage this pain (by making mommy starve) & this was short lived. During this time she also stopped sleeping through the night, waking up a number of times & her naps which were once 1.5-2 hrs were only 45 minutes. When this started happening it was so difficult for me to figure out. I was sure I had done something wrong & I hopped on the computer to see what I could learn. When I did this I found a thread where other Babywise mom's discussed their issues & helped each other out. I thought this was great! I posted our problems & got about 20 different solutions. I spent weeks trying each one & just getting more & more detached from being Adelyn's mommy & more obsessed w/fitting this idea that my baby should be awake for so long & asleep for so long. I can sit here & blame the Babywise concept or even the other ladies who gave suggestions, but the truth is, it was my fault. I kept reading how "perfect" all these other babies were & I wanted so badly for Adelyn to fit that mold. From about 4.5 to 7 months I was terribly miserable. Every now & then Adelyn would have a good day of napping or sleeping through & I was sure things would get better, but than the very next day we were back to chaos. I kept listening to strangers & ignoring my mommy instinct. I think that there are a number of different & great parenting techniques out there for so many different personalities, but I made BW my end all. The women on the thread I found, all though well intentioned had literally made it their religion. They lived & breathed this stuff. I read so many posts of other mom's sounding as desperate as I was & calling themselves failures. God had blessed us with babies He knows we are capable of raising! Who are we do doubt Him!?
Sadly, it took me almost 4 months to realize all of this & during that time I had missed out on so much with my precious baby. I sit here with tears in my eyes as I think of it. I know that some of you use BW & I in no way mean to come across as it being a bad thing. It has done a lot of positive for us. I do not blame the technique; instead I blame myself. My personality did not allow me to take the important bits & pieces & fit them into my lifestyle & Adelyn's personality. Instead I tried to fit my lifestyle & Adelyn's personality into the parenting technique/concept. I don't doubt that hormones played a part in my struggle, but I know that they weren't the entire cause. This has taken me a while to come to terms with, but I am grateful I have. When Adelyn turned 7 months my MIL & SIL both encouraged me to just follow her lead. To stop looking @ the clock & what other babies did & just "hear" what my daughter was telling me. After only 1 week of doing this it was like the sun had finally started to shine again! She started napping like a champ & sleeping great at night! I stopped allowing some book or concept to raise her & I stopped doubting myself & comparing her to other babies & just starting enjoying her. I don't mean to say I flushed everything down the toilet because I didn't. I just did what I should have done from the beginning. I took the parts/ideas I agreed with or liked & used them to our benefit.
The truth is I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to be persuaded by (although well intentioned) strangers who knew nothing about my baby. I doubted myself so much, I thougth they could raise her better. My baby girl is perfect. She does not fit a mold or a "typical" schedule, but she does get the sleep she needs, structure and above all else love. She is my world & I am so sorry I let those months slip by & even willed them away at times. Now when things don't go according to plan (which is pretty often-she is a baby), I no longer cry & fear that my baby won't develop properly or spiral into a state of overtiredness, but instead roll with it & trust the instincts that the Lord has so perfectly blessed me with. Now I hope to be able to share with you more often what our happier & healthier lifestyle is like! God Bless.
6 comments:
ashley said...
It's tough being a mom sometimes. Our babies are perfect in their own little ways. You just keep doing what works best for you and your little one. If it makes you feel any better, my 20 month old still doesn't sleep through the night. She sleeps worse than a newborn, but we are happy and that's all that matters. :) Thinking of you! Keep up the good work, you're doing great!
Ella said...
I'm so glad you feel better about things now and have found peace by following Addy's lead. These babies are smarter than we give them credit for - they are good at telling us what they need, aren't they?? It's amazing. Try not to feel guilty for the past (easier said than done, I know!); embrace the present and look forward to the beautiful future with your sweet girl!!
Tracy said...
Unfortunately, BW has that affect on a lot of moms. :( Not that it is devoid of good information or ideas (we read it before O, and used some things from it with her.) but people tend to get caught up in it. Like you said, almost like its a religion.
What you've learned, and will continue to learn, is every baby is different. Even with in your own family, each child is so different. My first took two naps until age two. My 3rd- he dropped his morning nap at 8 months.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear that its going well. You still may have to guide Addy later (especially when they start waking for fun. you know, just to spend time with you. :) ) but, you can listen to her and what she needs at the same time and strike more of a balance.
Kailyn's Mommy said...
Pretty much all my friends have babies right now. And if there is one thing I have learned from them and for myself is that EVERY baby is different. I am always asking them all for "advice". Most of them had their babies before me, but all our withing a few years. Whether or not I use this advice is up to me and baby girl. What works for one may or may NOT work for another. This I have found is the BEST advise to remember. I am happy you are more at peace now. Enjoy that precious baby girl, before you know it her 1st B-day will be less than two weeks away like my little girl's is!!
Laura said...
Dawn, I love your honesty and transparency. Take what works from BW, take what works from other "experts", but listen to your heart and to Addy, and turn to God for wisdom. From everything I know of you--you are a wonderful mother to her. Hang in there!!
LuckyOnce said...
I'm sorry that it took such a long time for you to feel comfortable trusting yourself, but please don't let yourself regret those months. You were just doing what you thought was best for her, and if you give it any more thought, you might miss on on the here and now. Give yourself a little break. You're a great mom. :)