Gods Plan Not Mine

So it has been a pretty hectic in our lovely little household this week!  First of all I'm not sure I ever even posted about it & am too lazy to look but back in Sept when we moved upstate Addy started pulling her hair.  She mainly did it in her carseat & crib.  She pulled so much she ended up pretty bald in the front.  For some reason she won't touch the back.  I was really uncomfortable with it so I found a Dr & she ended up having the states great Early Intervention people come.  They said she did have some sensory integration stuff but extremely minimal.  She did not have any developmental delays though so she did not qualify.  They did however suggest we make an appt w/the local developmental/behavioral center.  In the meantime they gave us ideas on how to deter her from pulling & increase her sensory stimulation.  We did this & after a while she stopped & her hair grew back lovely.  Because the center is so well known there was a 6 month wait for our appt.  It had been 4 months since she pulled so I thought why waste everyone's time & canceled.  Well wouldn't you know 3 days before the appt was supposed to be she started pulling & really bad!  She first started pulling when we moved here & this time after we left her for 5 day on our trip.  So it seems as though it is stress induced.  Well I woke up in the middle of the night to pee & checked the monitor to see my daughter pulling out her hair at 3am not making a peep.  It took me 1.5 hrs to help her back to sleep & about an hr of tears on my end over the whole ordeal. 

I called our ped today & she called the center to see if there is something we can do in the meantime.  We are trying what worked last time but it's not having the same effect.  They gave lame ideas like putting on a hat (cuz yeah she won't just take that off!) & suggested to check her iron levels as it may be a reason.  Oh yeah forgot to mention she's eating the hair!  I'm not hopeful it's such a easy fix & am beyond myself on what to do.  Our new appt with the center is not until Sept!!!  Thinking of finding a behavioral pediatrician in the meantime because how can I just let this go???  I'm having such severe mommy guilt for canceling the stupid appt in the first place!!!

The other issue I've been having is w/our RE.  I was not a fan of the first place I was going as they treated us so poorly.  So we switched & boy am I not sure if that was the right idea.  As you may remember they had a pretty extensive recurrent miscarriage protocol.  At first they seemed to be pretty open to the patients desires.  I chose not to take the intralipid & had to fight not to take the progesterone. So on top of the clomid & trigger, I am doing the lovenox injections & estrogen (my lining was thin).  Once I got pregnant they ordered HCG injections for me to do every 3 days for the first 10 weeks.  I took the first one Mon night after my second blood drawer.  Hubby asked me what it was for & I realized I didn't really know so hopped online to check.  What I have learned has not made me happy.  I did find out that it is supposed to help w/progesterone & estrogen until the placenta takes over.  So I thought well do I really need that?  I'm taking estrogen & I've already proved I don't need progesterone.  Well then I find a thread on my fertility's website message board about the exact topic.  One of the women are upset that when she went to pick up the meds after taking a shot in the office, the pharmacist seemed shocked that she was taking it while pregnant!  He explained to her that it is considered a Category X drug by the FDA & CDC.  This means it has been proven to cause birth defects in humans!  I thought ok I have been around the block w/Dr Google so I pulled out the drug info that came w/the prescription & it says the same thing!!!  Specifically says not to take while pregnant due to risk of birth defect.  The woman on the thread asks the Dr why he didn't inform her & he just states that it is the patients decision to determine if the benefit outweighs the risk!  But how can they make that decision if they are not informed in the first place!!!???  Now don't get me wrong, I know that for some people the benefit does outweigh the risk & I can completely respect that.  If I end up suffering 5 mc or more I would consider it worth the risk ya know.  But at the current moment & w/a successful pregnancy between my losses, I don't feel it does.  So as you can imagine I will not continue to take it but now I need to call & inform them & make sure it is ok to stop once I started.  I hate how they play on your fears & don't just respect your decision but make you feel bad so I've been avoiding it.  Supposed to take next dose tomorrow night so can't really avoid it much longer. 



Sorry for the novel but I just had to get it all out & writing has always helped.  Please keep us in your prayers.