Gods Plan Not Mine

A year ago today my life changed forever.  After learning we were pregnant the first month we tried, I lost the baby less then 48 hours later.  We had been away on a cruise with my entire family and some friends and AF never came.  I had taken some FR Digitals along but they kept showing negative.  My family kept telling me I'm not pregnant and the stress is what's keeping AF away.  Finally once we returned back to Puerto Rico I was convinced that I was and told my mom so.  She finally trusted me.  We flew home that next morning and I took the test on the 10th.  It finally said pregnant and I couldn't believe it!!!  I ran in to tell hubby who didn't react the way I had hoped (more shocked silence than up and down excitement) and then called my mom screaming the good news.  For some reason hubby and I felt that although the test said positive we should go to the Dr and have them confirm.  When I called the midwives office they told me I had to wait to come in until I was 7 weeks!!  So that night I went to Planned Parenthood and the test was negative.  The woman was so kind and said that it was probably because it wasn't early morning urine and to test again the next day.  The next day it was negative and I started bleeding that night into the following morning.  I knew miscarriages were common but never thought it would happen to me.  I was crippled by emotions for quite a while afterwards and today am a totally different person than I was a year ago.  Although I was only 5 weeks 3 days, it was just so hard to comprehend.  The physical was bad but not terrible.  But the mental was just horrible.  We didn't really get the chance to tell too many people which was at least a blessing amongst the sadness. 

I know that I am stronger now than I was then but I am also more skeptical and bitter.  I learned really fast the strength that God can give you one you have no more of your own.  I am so incredibly grateful for the current miracle he has given my hubby and I, but as we all know it doesn't make us miss our angel babies any less.  I think about you so often little one and love you more than I ever thought possible.

"There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.


What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.  I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him."  (Ecclesiastes 3:1-14)