I'm mad that I can't just get pregnant & be excited. I'm mad that I'm obsessed w/checking the TP after every wipe. I'm mad that I overanalyze every cramp & twinge in my body. I'm mad that my numbers although still good, didn't double & now I'm obsessed. I'm mad that just because I have one miracle everyone now thinks I'm overreacting! I'm just plain mad.
I went back to the RE today for my 2nd blood draw & while I was there they decided to do a sono as my numbers were so high they were sure they would see something. I was terrified. I wanted my hubby there with me in case anything went wrong & just kept texting him. Well, they did the sono & saw a yolk sac right where it belongs! One obstacle down. When I went in to see the Dr. he stated that I have some subcuntaneous bleeding that could cause spotting & not to worry. Not to worry???!!! Seriously?? I came home & googled the word a thousand times! He explained that it could just be from the embryo burrowing & the blood has to go somewhere. Ugh. Then he went on to explain it was not an issue...unless later on it got between the baby & the uterus. Ummmm ok then why even mention it? I make up enough to worry about on my own!! Finally he said that he wanted to see my numbers more than double as it's been 3 days since my last.
I got the call at noon that my HCG was 4593. This number is still amazing for 19 dpo but it didn't even double in 3 days. It has a doubling time of 84hrs! The nurse said it was great & they'd see me on 9/8 for my next sono. Well now all I've been doing is worrying. I'm not sure if I should call back for a third just for a peace of mind. I googled (of course) & a lot of the sites say that once the level is passed 1200 it doubles every 72-96 hrs. But I just can't get it out of my head that the Dr specifically said he wants to see it more than doubled.
All I know is I was so hoping to just get pregnant & not worry. Who was I kidding?! Why couldn't the stupid numbers just double at least???!!! Why can't there be no talk of spotting & what it might mean for me?! I'm exhuasted & nauseous to all heck, but no boob pain or anything else. I can't will the 8th to get here fast enough, yet at the same time I'm so afraid to find out bad news. How am I in this position again?! The whole thing seems so unfair & I'm mad. I'm sorry if I am overreacting & thank you for still being a place that I can come to & vent.
I went back to the RE today for my 2nd blood draw & while I was there they decided to do a sono as my numbers were so high they were sure they would see something. I was terrified. I wanted my hubby there with me in case anything went wrong & just kept texting him. Well, they did the sono & saw a yolk sac right where it belongs! One obstacle down. When I went in to see the Dr. he stated that I have some subcuntaneous bleeding that could cause spotting & not to worry. Not to worry???!!! Seriously?? I came home & googled the word a thousand times! He explained that it could just be from the embryo burrowing & the blood has to go somewhere. Ugh. Then he went on to explain it was not an issue...unless later on it got between the baby & the uterus. Ummmm ok then why even mention it? I make up enough to worry about on my own!! Finally he said that he wanted to see my numbers more than double as it's been 3 days since my last.
I got the call at noon that my HCG was 4593. This number is still amazing for 19 dpo but it didn't even double in 3 days. It has a doubling time of 84hrs! The nurse said it was great & they'd see me on 9/8 for my next sono. Well now all I've been doing is worrying. I'm not sure if I should call back for a third just for a peace of mind. I googled (of course) & a lot of the sites say that once the level is passed 1200 it doubles every 72-96 hrs. But I just can't get it out of my head that the Dr specifically said he wants to see it more than doubled.
All I know is I was so hoping to just get pregnant & not worry. Who was I kidding?! Why couldn't the stupid numbers just double at least???!!! Why can't there be no talk of spotting & what it might mean for me?! I'm exhuasted & nauseous to all heck, but no boob pain or anything else. I can't will the 8th to get here fast enough, yet at the same time I'm so afraid to find out bad news. How am I in this position again?! The whole thing seems so unfair & I'm mad. I'm sorry if I am overreacting & thank you for still being a place that I can come to & vent.
9 comments:
Ella said...
Oh Dawn, (((HUGS))). I totally understand where you are coming from and exactly how you are feeling. It is not fair. You have every right to be mad!
I think from an objective standpoint (which I know is impossible for you to take right now of course, so I will :), things are looking really positive: your numbers are high, there is a visible yolk sack in the right place, and your doc/nurse is not worried. Those are all great signs that point to a healthy pregnancy. I have also heard that the doubling time slows considerably once your beta is that high.
I know worry will still be present in your mind until the 8th... how can it not be for those of us with RPL? But I will be thinking positively for you and sending all kinds of sticky baby vibes your way :)
Melis.sa said...
i hope the next week plus flies by and shows a perfect sono! i don't think i relaxed until i was 20ish weeks with my second baby...
Erica said...
Hang in there!!! I think you sound totally normal. :) The first part is so hard!!!! I had the subcutaneous bleeding for quite a while but neither my RE or my Peri were concerned. Those numbers can drive you crazy!!! Try and remember that God already has it all figured out! Praying for you. :)
Auntie Sissy said...
Oh Dawn! I am just now caught up on what is going on. First of all...even though you are super scared, I want to say congrats to you and hubby and Addy for the pregnancy.
Second...I can understand your anger completely. I wish there were magic words to help take away your anxiety...or that there was a crystal ball to show the outcome of things.
I am going to remain positive for you. I know you are angry, and it is good that you are venting about it. I am sorry you can't go in earlier to get another blood draw or another sono. Time never moves so slow that it does when you are anxious.
Sending good vibes your way. Saying prayers.
Sarah
Tracy said...
I totally understand. ((hugs))
I will reinforce what you found online. After a certain point, the levels don't double in 48 hours. It takes longer. The fact that you got to see a yolk sac, where it belongs, and appropriate for this stage of pregnancy is wonderful!
I know its hard not to worry. Heck, I'm 32 weeks and I still worry all of the time that something is wrong. It's okay to be frustrated and mad.
LuckyOnce said...
I think everything is probably fine, but if it will make you feel better, go ahead and ask for another beta. Remember that your doctor WORKS FOR YOU. You hired him, and he is in charge of making your pregnancy as stress-free as he can if that's what you need.
cheryllookingforward said...
Lots of hugs. I'm very happy for you and of course we all know how scary everything can be now. I do agree about the numbers not doubling as fast once they get high enough.
I'll be thinking of you!
CeCe said...
Wow! Just getting caught up and learned your great news!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Wendy said...
Oh Dawn. I'm sorry that you have to go through these emotions all over again. I'm sure it isn't easy to think about a normal pregnancy because you have the experience already of the worst outcome. I don't think we will ever really feel 100% ever after the roller coaster past few years. It is ok to feel like that but I know you are in God's hands always and that is all you can put 100% on. I am praying and thinking of you!