This is how I feel emotionally and probably how this post will end up.
Today I am 16 weeks pregnant. This is a point I've never thought I would get to, yet I find I'm struggling with my fear more and more. There's days where I'm so sure that we'll get to hold this little one healthy and strong in July. Then there's others where I just can't allow myself to believe it. This week the negative thoughts are winning. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that overall I have become more emotional recently. In addition, I was away at a conference in WV this week and my first night there I had a terrible graphic dream that I lost the baby. This was not the first one, but certainly the worst. I woke up and although I realized it was a dream, I can't get the images out of my head. Usually I would wake hubby and cry until he convinced me everything was going to be fine, but he wasn't there. I spent the whole remainder of the week sure that I was going to lose the baby while I was away from home.
As if all of this wasn't enough, I am still having these stupid pains. I don't want to call them cramps because that's not really what they are. I called the midwife last week to ask and she said she was sure they were just round ligament pains and to use my hot water bottle when I get them and it should help. I am doing my best to not overreact, but I just hate that they are almost always there.
I so badly want to relax and believe all will be fine, but lately I just can't. I try and explain this to my family and friends but they just don't understand. I struggle with putting all of this on here as well because I just don't want to come across as being ungrateful for how far the Lord has already brought me. But I am just so scared. I keep reading that the baby should start to move soon and I am jst so anxious for that. Even though I hear his/her heartbeat every night it not enough when you're being irrational. When I finally feel movement I'll know the baby is developing as it should. My next sono is not until the 18th and it just seems like forever.
I'm so sorry this post is basically just one big whine fest but if there is anywhere I can vent about these feelings I know it's here. I am thankful for this little one and I truly do want to believe everything will be fine. Sometimes it's just hard.
Today I am 16 weeks pregnant. This is a point I've never thought I would get to, yet I find I'm struggling with my fear more and more. There's days where I'm so sure that we'll get to hold this little one healthy and strong in July. Then there's others where I just can't allow myself to believe it. This week the negative thoughts are winning. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that overall I have become more emotional recently. In addition, I was away at a conference in WV this week and my first night there I had a terrible graphic dream that I lost the baby. This was not the first one, but certainly the worst. I woke up and although I realized it was a dream, I can't get the images out of my head. Usually I would wake hubby and cry until he convinced me everything was going to be fine, but he wasn't there. I spent the whole remainder of the week sure that I was going to lose the baby while I was away from home.
As if all of this wasn't enough, I am still having these stupid pains. I don't want to call them cramps because that's not really what they are. I called the midwife last week to ask and she said she was sure they were just round ligament pains and to use my hot water bottle when I get them and it should help. I am doing my best to not overreact, but I just hate that they are almost always there.
I so badly want to relax and believe all will be fine, but lately I just can't. I try and explain this to my family and friends but they just don't understand. I struggle with putting all of this on here as well because I just don't want to come across as being ungrateful for how far the Lord has already brought me. But I am just so scared. I keep reading that the baby should start to move soon and I am jst so anxious for that. Even though I hear his/her heartbeat every night it not enough when you're being irrational. When I finally feel movement I'll know the baby is developing as it should. My next sono is not until the 18th and it just seems like forever.
I'm so sorry this post is basically just one big whine fest but if there is anywhere I can vent about these feelings I know it's here. I am thankful for this little one and I truly do want to believe everything will be fine. Sometimes it's just hard.
10 comments:
Sarah H said...
Dawn, I happened across your blog randomly a while back, and it happened to be when you announced that you were pregnant with this baby. Since then I have been reading your blog regularly, and I have so enjoyed getting to hear your story. I lost my first baby to a miscarriage at 10 weeks. My husband and I strongly felt all along that it was a girl, so we named her Macy Jane. After losing Macy, it was 7 months before I became pregnant. That pregnancy turned out to be a healthy one. I had a son in July and his name is Weston James. I remember vividly the struggles and emotions I felt while pregnant with Weston- the daily fear that I would lose him too, that something would go wrong, that I would never have a healthy baby. And I remember very well that 16 weeks was one of the hardest times for me because I no longer felt sick (being sick was a reassurance in the beginning) and I could not feel the baby move. I felt the first flutter at 18 weeks but didn't really feel the baby move regularly until 20 or 21 weeks. Hang in there! Once you can feel that sweet baby moving all day, you will be reminded much more frequently of the presence of your child and the presence of God. Also, in regards to your funny pains, I felt those as well. I referred to them as "stretching pains." This is the first time your uterus has ever grown that large before, and that causes discomfort for some women. I am so happy for you that so far this pregnancy is going well. I am looking forward to reading more of your story! God Bless you and your family!
LuckyOnce said...
I could almost have written that post. You and I seem to be having such similar feelings right now. I'm also having those feelings of "I don't want people to think I'm ungrateful."
And yes, I also have people who say, "but you're already in the second trimester!" and "your chance of miscarriage is so little right now!" When the fear is there, the irrational fear, it just doesn't matter. I heard a heartbeat with two of my three miscarriages. There's supposed to be what, a 5% chance of m/c after hearing a heartbeat? Not for me. Statistics mean nothing for us. How could we expect ourselves to take comfort in them now?
My thoughts about you about feeling the baby move are this. People who are small can usually feel baby moving earlier. It's very possible that you could already be feeling it and not realize it. Look for it when you're sitting down and your belly is a little squished up because of your position. If you feel little "butterflies" in your stomach, or even sometimes something that feels like non-painful gas bubbles, that's probably the little one. I felt D at 18 weeks, but I really think that I may already be feeling this little one, and I'm a week behind you (and you're slimmer than I am.)
Oh, and about those pains, I had lots of round ligament pains with D, especially after I exercised. Hopefully that's really all you're feeling.
I'm sending all of my best wishes for the bad thoughts and dreams to go away and leave you alone. *hugs*
Erica said...
Hi Dawn! I know it is SO hard to stay positive --I am quite the worrier! My RE told me that after the 1st trimester, I wouldn't lose the baby due to MTHFR because the pathways to the baby are so big and numerous, that even if I did have a blood clot, it wouldn't affect the baby. I still worried like crazy, and took my baby aspirin, etc, but it was still nice to hear from the doctor. Hang in there! Your baby is doing SO well and is in great hands. :) I'm praying for you and your sweet baby!
just me, dawn said...
sweetie, given what you have been through your feelings are completely normal....I know when you are in a tough patch that doesn't really help, but we are all here for you!
I somedays still don't believe that bebe girl will be here soon. In fact I finally had a dream that the baby arrived.....and my husband left me! if it isn't one thing it is something else LOL (though i wasn't laughing when I woke up)
hang in there, we are here :)
Kailyn's Mommy said...
When we went for my 10 wk scan my Dr. could tell before he placed the wand on my belly that I looked like I might pass out. Once we saw that little heartbeat he told my husband, she won't be able to relax a little until she can feel the baby every day. Then things will get easier. He was so right. BUT then there will still be times when you are all of a sudden overcome with that fear for a minute and it happens to be while baby is sleeping and quite. And then a few hours later you will feel baby & smile.
Just try to be strong! And as far as pains, those just continue. Last night I was up all night and I couldn't tell if the pains were from my IBS, ligament pain, nerve pain or contractions. My back is killing me this morning but I'm pretty sure things are ok, just my body still trying to adjust to Lil Pea growing bigger every day. And some days you really feel the strain on your body.
Congrats on 16wks, though! You have come such a long way already!! Where are belly pics?! ;-)
Rach said...
So sorry you are feeling anxious. Praying for you.
CeCe said...
I completely understand where you are coming from and have been feeling the exact same way!
These feelings are normal for someone who has suffered loss- it does not mean one is ungrateful.
My doctor too said when the baby can be felt moving regularly throughout the day, I will breathe easier. Let's hope that's the case!
Fumbling towards Motherhood said...
You don't need to apologize Dawn. I know for a fact that I will be super worried when I get a pregnancy that sticks. I'm glad you are turning to us, it's important to let things out. To the outside world it seems like you are being irrational, but to us you are being completely rational with your fears. We have been through the trenches, so we know the dangers. It isn't easy to relax and allow yourself to hope. I wish there was something magic I could say to relieve your stress, but we both know there isn't. All I can do is tell you that I'm here to listen ((BIG HUG)). Keep posting even if you think you're whining, we're all here to help!
Laura said...
Here I am, all excited about my news yesterday...and then reading your post made me realize just how many fears I'll probably face in the coming months. I'm praying for you!
Alison said...
I just started following your blog. I'm on my 2nd miscarriage and I know that once I do finally become (and stay) pregnant that I will probably feel exactly like you are right now. I think it is just completely natural since we've been through the pains of things being completely fine one day and then not the next. Being strong is much easier said than done, but somehow we have to just have faith.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers - big hugs!!!