Gods Plan Not Mine

A year ago today I was 6 weeks & 3 days pregnant and had my first appt with the midwife.  I had started my field season and stopped at a Starbucks (which to this day I refuse to go back in) to pee when I noticed spotting.  It never even crossed my mind that after one loss I would immediately have another.  As soon as I saw the blood I just knew it was the end.  I called my sister and she continued to reassure me that it is common and as long as it didn't increase or turn bright red I was fine.  I stayed at work and headed to my appt dreading what I might learn.  On the way I witnessed a terrible accident in which a gentlman from the local university was ejected from the vehicle.  As I drove by, his body lie on the side of the road and I felt surrounded by the imminent death that was to mark that day for me. 

I met hubby in the parking lot and desparately had to use the bathroom when we got there.  They asked if I could wait as they needed a urine sample.  I did so, but when I went in the blood was heavier and red.  I walked out of the bathroom in tears and told my hubby it was over while we waited for the midwife to come in.  I told her what happened and she stated that it was still a small amount and that maybe things would be fine.  She scheduled me for a u/s the next day and said to call if it got worse.  When I got home I officially started to miscarry.  I called and they schedule me to come in and get beta's done to make sure my numbers where decreasing. 

That night I stayed on the couch in my husbands arms and cried more than I've ever cried before.  I repeated over and over that I just couldn't do this anymore.  That I couldn't understand why it was happening and why God would do this to us again.  I couldn't move and didn't want to talk to anyone but him.  In 3 months I had lost two precious little babies and totally believed that I couldn't go on.  If not for this beatiful man and my loving God, I'm sure I couldn't have.  As I sit here now with this precious gift moving around inside me, I still cry and mourn the loss of this little one.  I am so thankful for both of those babies as they have taught me so very much about love and leaning on the Lord.  They brought me closer to my husband and God, as well as made me a better mommy already.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of them and the day we will meet in heaven. 

I did pick myself up that day and have been amazed at my strength and ability to continue this terrifying journey.  In addition to my hubby and the Lord, I also have this blog the the ladies I've met on here to thank.  So many of you gave me so much inspiration and hope.  I only pray that I am able to do the same for anyone who might find themselves in the same position.