The perpetual waiting game from hell continues. We went to the new Dr (perinatologist) & they were super nice. We got the sono first & saw our precious baby right away, beating heart & all. S/he had a heart rate of 143 (up from 119) but was measuring 3 days behind. I remember Addy measuring behind a few times so of course at this pt I want everything to be perfect, but tried not to let it get to me too much. We then went in & talked to the Dr. & RN. They were both very kind & upfront w/me. The Dr. did state that because he is a Peri & not an RE he doesn't really rely on numbers. He did say obviously something was up but seemed optimistic. We made a deal to do bloodwork for my HCG & if it had finally gone up we wouldn't come back for 2 wks. But if it went down or stayed the same we would come back in 1 week. They made me wait til the next morning when I ended up calling myself (God I miss my RE) to find out the numbers had dropped another 300 in 6 days. The RN we met w/called & we scheduled for me to go in next week. She suddenly wasn't so optimistic.
I can't even begin to tell you where my head is right now. I am at a total loss as to what to think. I am not optimistic that this pregnancy is viable & really want to just have a solid answer so we can start living our lives again. I have been such a zombie & am finding it so hard to smile. Addy is suffering as a result. I am on progesterone 2X/day & feel like it is this that is just delaying the inevitable. I keep going back & forth about not taking it anymore. Yesterday I only took it before bed & not in the morning. I think I will do the same today. I am so scared to keep carrying this baby only for it to die later. But I'm also scared to stop taking the progesterone when I don't know if s/he will make it & then having guilt. I figure I will try to make myself take it for the next week & discuss it with the Dr. on Wed.
To say I am overwhelmed & tired would be an understatement. We moved upstate on Mon & I am away from my mom, friends & church family, all of whom I would lean on during this time. Adelyn has been a mess since moving & is really having a hard time adjusting (understandable) so she is constantly wanting to be held & whining which is not like her at all. I remind myself about a thousand times a day that God is in control but I would be lying if I didn't say I am angry with Him. I don't know why He is making us go through something so terrible. I'm at a point where I just wish I would miscarry already. Please don't think poorly of me. I am just so weak & feeling sorry for myself. How can this little one be holding on growing when the numbers say differently? And what if s/he does make it only to end up terribly sick? Am a forcing this child to live when God has other plans for it? Like I said my brain is all over & I just don't know what to think.
Thank you all so much for your prayers & for checking on me. You are an amazing group of women. Please pray for our continued strength as we go through one of the most difficult events of our lives. Pray Gods hand prevails regardless of the outcome.
I can't even begin to tell you where my head is right now. I am at a total loss as to what to think. I am not optimistic that this pregnancy is viable & really want to just have a solid answer so we can start living our lives again. I have been such a zombie & am finding it so hard to smile. Addy is suffering as a result. I am on progesterone 2X/day & feel like it is this that is just delaying the inevitable. I keep going back & forth about not taking it anymore. Yesterday I only took it before bed & not in the morning. I think I will do the same today. I am so scared to keep carrying this baby only for it to die later. But I'm also scared to stop taking the progesterone when I don't know if s/he will make it & then having guilt. I figure I will try to make myself take it for the next week & discuss it with the Dr. on Wed.
To say I am overwhelmed & tired would be an understatement. We moved upstate on Mon & I am away from my mom, friends & church family, all of whom I would lean on during this time. Adelyn has been a mess since moving & is really having a hard time adjusting (understandable) so she is constantly wanting to be held & whining which is not like her at all. I remind myself about a thousand times a day that God is in control but I would be lying if I didn't say I am angry with Him. I don't know why He is making us go through something so terrible. I'm at a point where I just wish I would miscarry already. Please don't think poorly of me. I am just so weak & feeling sorry for myself. How can this little one be holding on growing when the numbers say differently? And what if s/he does make it only to end up terribly sick? Am a forcing this child to live when God has other plans for it? Like I said my brain is all over & I just don't know what to think.
Thank you all so much for your prayers & for checking on me. You are an amazing group of women. Please pray for our continued strength as we go through one of the most difficult events of our lives. Pray Gods hand prevails regardless of the outcome.
11 comments:
Laura said...
Holding you up in prayer. Psalm 145:9 brings me peace: "The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made". Praying for peace, strength, and compassion.
Melis.sa said...
Thank you for the update!! I've been praying for you and the baby constantly!! Please know you are not alone in any of this. ((HUGS))
april said...
I'm so sorry you are going through this; I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you but know that God is with you and that He can do great things.
Erica said...
Thanks for the update. I'm sorry you are still wondering. God has a plan, even though it is hard to understand. Just try and have hope and think about how if you weren't a RPL Mama, you wouldn't have to have all these blood tests and you'd just see that sweet beating heart! I say stay on the progesterone as long as the doc says! You never know what helps! But God knows every little thing about this baby!! Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace you trust in Him, so you may OVERFLOW with hope by the power of his Holy Spirit." Hang in there! We are all rooting for you and Baby. <3
Nat said...
They're just numbers. I had the same thing happen with R. All of my doctors told me not to get my hopes up. They.Were.Wrong.
You saw your baby's heartbeat. Try not to think about what will happen, just enjoy this special time you have with your little one. This baby is alive, and is a part of your family. Today your baby is alive and well. Just love your baby (and Adelyn) and give the rest to the Lord.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
{{{hugs}}}
Ella said...
Oh Dawn, I am so sorry you are having such a rough time :( I can't understand why your betas would be dropping when you see a beautiful beating heart and a growing bean... I know you are confused and sad... like the above commenter said, try to focus on the fact that your baby is alive and has a beating heart today and give the rest over to whatever may be. I am thinking positively for you!!
Anonymous said...
My prayers and thoughts continue to be with you. I keep thinking of you and have been wondering how you are doing in. I know its tough but remain positive at least for this little person growing inside of you. You baby is alive today with a strong heartbeat. Remember that. God is watching over you and will be there for you no matter what path he has given this child. Sending you many many hugs!
~ Amy from Learning to Heal
Wendy said...
Sending you and your baby up in prayer Dawn. My heart dropped when I saw the title of this post but like the other ladies have said, try to remain positive and strong. There are so many factors going for this little one, especially seeing an increased heartbeat. I will keep praying for you emotional and physical health, and that Addy will start to feel more at home in your new surroundings. It can't be easy going through these emotions with a little one needing you as well. Know that we all embrace you and will be here for you no matter what.
LuckyOnce said...
Always thinking of you and wishing it could be easier. Don't think for a moment that you are "forcing" him or her to live against the odds. As we all know, there's really NOTHING you can do to hurt or help your baby at this point. That's hard, but also a little comforting. Just keep doing what you're doing, and don't feel bad about whatever you feel. *hugs*
cheryllookingforward said...
Sending you lots of love and good thoughts. I'm so sorry this is happening and I'll keep praying for your little one.
Auntie Sissy said...
Still thinking of you guys!!!