Sorry I haven't updated, but guess there's not much to update about. Did another IUI on 12/21 & got another BFN. Only had one mature follicle that I believe got too big as I had severe pain in my left side (where the follicle was) 2&3 days after IUI. In addition, I got a terrible stomach bug two days after & was sick all throughout the Christmas weekend. So needless to say, I'm not surprised. But it certainly doesn't make it easy. Hubby & I are not sure if we are going to try again this month or take some time off. Prior to my mmc, I always ovulated & always around CD 15. However, since then I have yet to get a positive opk. Our new RE has me using the ovidrel shot which I get because what's the point of the clomid & IUI if it is done w/out me ovulating. But part of me just needs to know what is going on with my body. Am I ovulating later? At all? We have considered just doing the clomid CD 4-8 & not using the trigger or doing IUI. We really just did the IUI because we figured if we were using the clomid anyway might as well increase our chances each month. Without the IUI or trigger I would at least be able to get an idea as to whether or not I am ovulating. My only concern would be to use one of my last 2 months on clomid for nothing. Ugh.
On top of all of this our wonderful friends came to visit for NYE weekend & shared w/us that they are 10 weeks pregnant. Not sure if any of you remember but she was the one who did IUI the day after me, got pregnant w/twins & had the same due date (they were born 18 days early) as Addy. They were definitely not trying & didn't even think they could get pregnant, but here they are. And I know she's been through so much to have her babes but it doesn't make it any easier. I should be 5.5 months along w/a little girl. I should be having indigestion & feeling kicks, not listening to someone else complain about being sick. I am happy for them but God is it hard.
I just keep thinking, what if we never get to have another pregnancy that results in a live birth? What if God has decided that once was enough? I loved being pregnant. Every last bit of it was an absolute joy for me & I want that again so badly. But I just don't know if I can survive another loss. I'm in a big of a funk & just working towards leaning on the Lord to help me through as He has so many times before. I need to trust that He has my best interest in mind even if I don't understand His reasoning. Please keep me in your prayers that I can be strong during this journey for the 2nd time around. I have Adelyn due to that strength & trust & have to find it again.
On top of all of this our wonderful friends came to visit for NYE weekend & shared w/us that they are 10 weeks pregnant. Not sure if any of you remember but she was the one who did IUI the day after me, got pregnant w/twins & had the same due date (they were born 18 days early) as Addy. They were definitely not trying & didn't even think they could get pregnant, but here they are. And I know she's been through so much to have her babes but it doesn't make it any easier. I should be 5.5 months along w/a little girl. I should be having indigestion & feeling kicks, not listening to someone else complain about being sick. I am happy for them but God is it hard.
I just keep thinking, what if we never get to have another pregnancy that results in a live birth? What if God has decided that once was enough? I loved being pregnant. Every last bit of it was an absolute joy for me & I want that again so badly. But I just don't know if I can survive another loss. I'm in a big of a funk & just working towards leaning on the Lord to help me through as He has so many times before. I need to trust that He has my best interest in mind even if I don't understand His reasoning. Please keep me in your prayers that I can be strong during this journey for the 2nd time around. I have Adelyn due to that strength & trust & have to find it again.
12 comments:
Melis.sa said...
Praying for you. I know how hard it is ttc again and then losing a pregnancy. Every pregnancy announcement was so, so difficult for me too. ((HUGS))
LuckyOnce said...
Oh Dawn, I too wondered if maybe one child was what was in the cards for me. It wasn't, but it took a lot of heartache to make it to number two. I hope that you're able to find the strength to make it through whatever God has in store for you.
Shandrea said...
Thank you for updating, I will continue to keep you in my prayers. It is understandable to be happy for someone else but sad for you. It is never easy when you want something so bad. I just pray that God sends you the strength and endurance and trust that he gave you with addy. That he makes is presence by your side known and just when get weary he gives you a fresh wind and a renewed mind. Hugs to you and wishing all the best for you.
Andrea said...
Sweet friend, hang in there, as TTC after loss is SO HARD and what a trick it does on your mind. We got pregnant the first time right away, then our baby was taken away (MMC) and I endured 4 months of havoc following the D&C. I had RPOC and my mind knew I was no longer pregnant, but my body didn't as I still had the HCG hormone. Then, we tried on our own for 15 months before we got our + via IUI (Clomid and Ovidrel). While all this was going on, my very best childhood friend had given up on being a Mother and closed that chapter, yet she championed me on...how, I haven't a clue, as I don't think I could have done the same. Anyway, while we were going through fertility (with my friends Dr.) she and her husband adopted a child. I'm babbeling, but I guess what "I" think about when I think of all that can happen when trying again and I get depressed thinking I may only have 1 beautiful, perfect, baby boy, I think of my dearest friend and how she'd of taken 1 biological baby in a skinny minute and been happy forever.
I say all of this because I have great fears in going back to our RE. I worry about how I'll feel if we try and aren't successful and what if we lose another baby. And when will I say enough is enough....as you say, it doesn't get any easier when you have the desire in your heart to give your child a sibbling and grow your family.
I pray that you see a BFP in the very near future. And we are all here to champion you on!
Big HUGS
xxx
Tracy said...
I am totally not the right person to ask about keeping on. If it wasn't for persistance, and a lot of God's grace and comfort, we wouldn't have Isaac. Or Eliza. It was miserable in the middle of it all, not knowing if we'd ever have another sweet baby. There were some days when I was so lost in my grief. ((hugs))
cheryllookingforward said...
Sending you lots of warm thoughts. You are on my mind and I'm hoping for you all the time.
CeCe said...
Oh honey, Sending warm thoughts and prayers your way!! I wish your journey would be easier. I continue to be very optimistic for you.
A lot of the feelings you describe resonate with me so much right now. I haven't even felt up to writing about it.
I appreciate what Andrea wrote above and will keep what she says in mind.
Big hugs to you! Hang in there.
Ella said...
Thanks for the update, Dawn. I have been thinking about you a lot lately, wondering how you've been. I am sending many many prayers and good thoughts your way. This journey is so sucky (couldn't think of a better word there...) sometimes and I just wish I could do something to make it easier :(
Erica said...
I'm sorry! You have been in my prayers. You know how hard it was for us to get to baby 2 as well. But don't give up!! God had an amazing plan for your family. And if a brother or sister is in His plans, all of this hard stuff and waiting will be worth it. You are such a fabulous mama and I hope and pray that God will give you another baby soon!!
Erica said...
Oh and the announcement thing is so hard!!! Hang in there. :)
Erica said...
Ps. I meant to say God HAS an amazing plan. :)
Auntie Sissy said...
Big big big hugs to you girl. Of course it doesn't make it easier to get a BFN. I know we all go through our ups and downs in our emotions. It seems like you have a wonderful husband and wonderful support system. Let them be strong for you in times of doubt and sadness. I am thinking of you!