I have come to realize that over the passed six months I have become entirely too restless. It seems I can't do enough to keep busy. I am constantly looking for some way to distract myself from the constant thoughts about getting/staying pregnant, but none of it seems to work. As I come up to the end of another 2WW feeling in my heart that this will once again not be our month, this restlessness has only gotten worse. The thing is that even though I try to keep busy I can't seem to stay focused. Does that make any sense? I have always been able to go home and just enjoy a night of sitting on the couch with hubby and watching TV, but now I need to be on the computer at the same time playing some games or going on FB just to keep my mind occupied during commercial breaks!!
During the winter months my job is really quite horrible. I do a lot of nothing (and even have to beg for work!!) and these times are definitely the most difficult for me. Forty hours out of the week I sit around and think about everything that has happened in the past 10 months. I either daydream about if I were still pregnant with a baby due a few days before Christmas or about whether or not I'm pregnant and how scared I am to lose another baby. Even when I do have work to do I run into the problem with remaining focused.
I feel like this whole thing has consumed my life and I don't know how to not make it who I am. I would naturally be shaped by these sad and difficult events that have occurred, but it should not be the only thing I am. I am a child of Christ, a wife, a sister and a daughter, but the first thing I think of when I wake up is that I am a failure. The hardest part for me is that by doing this I am doubting God. I have fallen to my knees more than once begging his forgivness for doubting His plan for me and not trusting in Him. And although I feel fine for a time, I always fall back to wanting to be in control or getting anxious. I am so tired of doubting Him. I know that the only peace and strenght I can find is through Him yet I allow Satan to fill me with insecurities! This is such a tiring journey.
"Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught" (Ps 55:1-2)
During the winter months my job is really quite horrible. I do a lot of nothing (and even have to beg for work!!) and these times are definitely the most difficult for me. Forty hours out of the week I sit around and think about everything that has happened in the past 10 months. I either daydream about if I were still pregnant with a baby due a few days before Christmas or about whether or not I'm pregnant and how scared I am to lose another baby. Even when I do have work to do I run into the problem with remaining focused.
I feel like this whole thing has consumed my life and I don't know how to not make it who I am. I would naturally be shaped by these sad and difficult events that have occurred, but it should not be the only thing I am. I am a child of Christ, a wife, a sister and a daughter, but the first thing I think of when I wake up is that I am a failure. The hardest part for me is that by doing this I am doubting God. I have fallen to my knees more than once begging his forgivness for doubting His plan for me and not trusting in Him. And although I feel fine for a time, I always fall back to wanting to be in control or getting anxious. I am so tired of doubting Him. I know that the only peace and strenght I can find is through Him yet I allow Satan to fill me with insecurities! This is such a tiring journey.
"Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught" (Ps 55:1-2)
4 comments:
Laura said...
Oh Dawn, I'm sorry you're struggling. If it helps at all, I often feel the same way. I agree that the end of the 2WW is the hardest. I pray that you can find some peace and the chance to focus on something other than fertility-related thoughts, concerns, and dreams. Do you do yoga at all? I find that it's a nice way for me to quiet my mind. It's not a "fix all", but it does help me. You're in my prayers.
Rach said...
I feel the same way. I just started CD1 yesterday and towards the end of the 2ww I sometimes felt I was completely consumed with evil. Now looking back I realize how much life was wasted with all of the panic, crying, worring, and analyzing. I could have done so much more with my time. Stopping this madness is my mission this cycle, lol.
Me said...
I am sorry you feel that way. I do, too. After I had my third miscarriage in February, I really struggled with restlesness. I found that when I spent time working on my hobbies it not only distracted me, but it was therapeutic. Sewing is my therapy. When my hubby comes home and sees the house in complete disarray, and that I have sewn two aprons, some pajama pants, and a quilt all in one day, he knows I'm having a rough day!
I hope you feel better soon!
Kailyn's Mommy said...
I hope you are wrong and that this is your month. It still make's me wonder why it took so long after our last miscarriage to get PG. And even when we finally did it was using Clomid and injectibles. My last two PG's (that sadly ended) I had NO problem getting PG without Fertility treatments. But now that I am where I am I'm beginning to wonder if it was for a reason. To wait for lil Pea to come along and be strong enough to survive unlike the other's! Maybe my other eggs would have ended in miscarriage?
I still don't really know, but things did happen for a reason so don't give up!